Tuesday, Aug. 09, 2005
jaded
Everytime I start to get upset or cry about my Dad now I get mad at myself. I can go a couple of weeks without thinking of him, but when it hits me its pretty damn hard. One of the things that bothers me most about it is the fact that its simply unresolved. It's not that my Dad told me he didn't want to talk to me or is mad at me...I'm simply assuming all of this is the case. And I took journalism, I know that problem with assuming...but I don't really know how else I'm supposed to look at the situation.
And I cried last night. In his arms, he kept telling me it was okay but it wasn't. I'm an emotional person, its pretty hard not to notice that about me, but this is something I really want to be able to get over. For myself.
Whenever I get in those moods, though, where I start getting that look in my eyes and I do those funny things with my lips right before I'm about to cry, he responds faster than I ever would give him credit for. I told him I didn't want to talk about it, "Well I do," he said. In the end its the best thing for me, I guess, being forced to open up about it and make myself deal with the pain instead of bottling it up (oh, and I'm really good at that,) its just a matter of whether or not I'm going to continue to allow myself to feel this pain anymore.
My birthday is in a month and a half, basically, and I'm dreading it. There way too much pressure being put on my Dad (unbeknownst to him) on the possibility of my birthday being what I want it to be, and being a total disaster. I may hate my Dad, but I want to hear from him (it's been a little over 10 months, now, since I've heard from him) because I want to know what he feels and why hes doing this. I have all of these assumptions flowing through my head, but I have no way of knowing the real truth. (The only thing remotely close to it was when my grandmother said that the reason for a lot of things with my dad is his embarassment over "child support", which is complete and utter bullshit...the fuck do I care about child support payments? I'm 18 now anways, what does he have to worry about?) I just want to know if he's sorry he's ignored me this past year, if he feels any remorse or pain over it; and most importantly, what he plans to do with it.
My job doesn't make it easier, either, seeing all these little girls with their Daddys, giving them hugs galore and kisses right before they walk off. They have no idea how good they've got it, and that really, really pisses me off. I think I'm just too jaded because of it; and I think that's really sad.
moodymess at 7:06 a.m.